


Jealous

by apolitecactus



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Bisexual Male Character, Casual Sex, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, M/M, No Smut, No abuse between the main pair, Pining, Referenced Abusive Relationships, Referenced sex for favors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-15
Updated: 2020-07-15
Packaged: 2021-03-05 06:41:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25289992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/apolitecactus/pseuds/apolitecactus
Summary: Him sleeping around was part of the deal when they started hooking up with each other. They never agreed to be exclusive. Why, then, did Riza feel so terrible when he was dating someone else?
Relationships: Riza Hawkeye/Roy Mustang
Comments: 2
Kudos: 25





	Jealous

**Author's Note:**

> Please see the tags in case you may be triggered. Any references of abuse are short, but be careful.  
> Another note: I'm not a native speaker, so there will be occasional mistakes. Really sorry.

Riza tapped her fingers on the table and looked at Roy. His hair was especially messy today, his collar was unbuttoned, his uniform jacket wasn’t ironed… And she _liked_ it. She never understood her own taste in men, considering how much she liked order in her everyday life. But she couldn’t help liking men who were just a little bit too messy. To which criteria Roy Mustang fit perfectly. Especially the last few days, when it looked like he wasn’t spending his nights at home and retreated to using his spare uniform that he kept at the office. She cautiously glanced at him again, and his ruffled hair – the specific type of bed hair you get after not sleeping at all – finally persuaded her.

She organized the stack of forms for his perusal and put one page that contained only her signature at the end. Then, she marched to his table and placed the stack in front of him.

He nodded and started signing them. When he got to the last page, he briefly glanced at her, but then signed it right away.

This was their way to set up their little get-togethers for a very long time.

They first made out back in Ishval, as a way to drown guilt and to survive. After that, she decided to work under his command, and they didn’t have anything for several years. Then, one day, his hair was very messy, and he looked tired, and she couldn’t help it. She just asked him out that very day. They came up with the system that was less prone to anyone else noticing it than her approaching him with the blunt: “Sir, I want to spend the night with you.” Now, after he signed the ‘form’, they’ll meet in their safe house in the outskirts of the East city later in the evening.

She returned to her seat, feeling strangely satisfied with his signature.

Granted, he never refused.

But he never asked for these meetings himself.

Was it specially pathetic to sleep with her commanding officer whom she knew even before the military, and who was ready to have sex with anyone?

She put these thoughts away and returned to her work. They both got something out of this arrangement. She didn’t feel like finding a new boyfriend – and rarely anyone had the exact combination of _sophisticated_ and _messy_ that she liked. And, she couldn’t lie to herself, she _liked_ Roy Mustang. It wasn’t even at the level of liking his body or his appearance like it was initially. She was fascinated by him. She liked talking to him, and when they slept hugging each other, and when they discussed all these ridiculous orders that he was going to implement once he is a Fuhrer. So she got enough enjoyment for her liking from these one-off meetings.

As for Roy… She didn’t really know what he got out of these meetings. She noticed that he only dated other people if he could get something out of it. A piece of intelligence, a good recommendation for the next promotion, a mission where he could show off his skills, even money. He was planning and calculating, and every single time when she saw his new date, she knew exactly why he chose this lady or gentleman. Maybe, he was sleeping with her in an attempt to strengthen their bond? She was already his adjutant, she protected him with everything she got but she also knew too much. She knew all his weaknesses. Knowing him, he agreed to these meetings to keep her in check. To see if she was losing interest in him. If she had any new plans. Well, she didn’t mind it. He was sleeping around anyway, and if she was one of the many people he slept with, then why not? It was difficult after these nights though, going back to the office, to their cold polite masks, to discussing the next assignments and reports, but she liked him too much for her to stop requesting these meetings.

At least, if he spends a night with her, she’ll let him sleep and relax. He needed it.

She sighed. There wasn’t any time for her to immerse in the worry for him. Was he tired because he couldn’t sleep or was he tired because there was yet another opportunity to get something out of a date?

Strangely enough, she received her answer almost immediately, when the phone rang.

He answered in his cheesy high voice. She could hear just a hint of tiredness in his voice, but whoever was on the other side, didn’t hear it.

“Right, 5 o’clock, my dear. Grand Hotel, just like yesterday?” he was saying. His expression was the opposite of his cheerful voice.

Riza wrote something on the form with such force that the pen cut through the paper. She took a fresh form from the stack.

With his every new word, she could feel irritation growing inside her. Was it too much to ask? One lousy evening in an old empty house somewhere next to the haystacks and barns in the outskirts of the city? Maybe he felt that she was ‘safe’ now? Slept with enough for her not to even think of betraying him?

She noticed how her pen cut through yet another form. Her fingers were trembling just a little bit – she could feel it, but it was barely noticeable. She forced herself to calm down. There was no need to get so angry about one single date that wasn’t happening. The first one he wasn’t able to attend if she thought about it.

Then, she looked up because she heard the sound of a sheet of paper landing next to her. She only noticed a glimpse of him moving away from her table. The sheet contained only his signature just like every single time when he agreed to these meetings. Next to his signature where two small lines. ‘| |’. Well, then their date was moving to 11 in the evening. This time, however, she couldn’t feel the satisfaction. Instead, there was only jealousy. Right, they weren’t ever exclusive – and she dated someone between these sessions of theirs, but she _didn’t_ like it when he was with someone else. Especially, when it was so blatantly obvious that he’ll be with another woman or a man this very evening, and then he’ll just waltz into their safe house to keep his arrangement with her.

She didn’t like it, but she still wanted it so much. She nodded not even looking at him, but she knew that he’ll see and take notice.

-/

Rebecca was a godsend when Riza felt down. This time, she agreed to go with her to the auto repair centre without any questions.

Of course, Riza couldn’t explain the whole ‘I-like-my-CO-and-he-sleeps-with-me-but-he-also-sleeps-with-the-entire-East-city-and-this-was-part-of-the-deal-initially-but-I-hate-it’ thing, but she could express her general frustration, and Rebecca would listen and understand. Besides, Riza had a hunch that Rebecca understood more about her soap-opera-like situation and just didn’t want to bring it up.

“I think they overcharge,” Rebecca said the second they left the centre. “No, this isn’t even the right word! What they do is pure extortion. They should rob people on the streets instead, and it wouldn’t even be more of a crime.”

“This is the best centre in the entire city. I’m not compromising on the quality,” Riza sighed. She liked this auto repair centre because they did a good job, and she liked all her things in good condition and order… If only she had the same taste in men. Probably, her frustration was noticeable on her face.

“You all right?” Rebecca asked, worry slipping into her tone.

“I’m fine,” Riza said, taking control of her emotions. Him sleeping around was part of the deal. She never even asked him to become exclusive, and she didn’t have any right to control him. Who cared that he was obsessed with sex?

“I see…” Rebecca said slowly. “You know, there’s this best new café just round the corner – the one I was talking about. You have to see it. And…” She continued quietly like she was telling a secret. “You’ll like their waiter,” she giggled.

“Come on, Rebecca, I’m not 15 – you’re not supposed to entice me with beautiful boys.”

Rebecca’s expression became outright conspirational.

“You’ll like him! And besides, it’s time for you to go back to the dating scene. A few guys asked me for your number, by the way. I had to threaten one of them into retreating – he wanted your number so much. But I’m telling you, you’d like this waiter of theirs immediately!”

The waiter had brown hair and was too tall for her liking, but when she saw his face, she gawped. He resembled Roy. To an extent, but she could see it.

Rebecca smiled proudly.

“See, what I’m talking about. And I already asked him, he’s single. And he researches military history at the university, so you’ll have something to talk about with him.”

Riza glanced at him once again. He noticed her gaze and looked straight at her, directly and sincerely. She averted her eyes because she _liked_ this gaze. She never saw Roy looking at her this way – besides the time when he was pleading not to burn her tattoo off – and she really liked that this guy was direct about his intentions. Something Roy never was.

“Riza, I know everyone is after Mustang because of his looks. There’s nothing else there,” Rebecca was telling with conviction in her tone. Riza didn’t look at her back because she knew that there was way _more_ to him than anyone gave him credit for – precisely because he was sophisticated enough to know how people underestimating him played to his advantage. But she wasn’t in the mood to discuss it. 

“Just try something else,” Rebecca said then after hearing no answer. “If you don’t like this, your commanding jerk won’t leave anywhere.”

Yes, he’ll only fit _more_ dating into his tight evening schedule.

Just to think that she agreed to be his second – or maybe even the third – date in one single evening! She didn’t have any respect for herself. She was unhealthily obsessed with someone who didn’t feel the same way about her. Thinking about it helped her to take the decision.

“I think I should try. You’re right.”

Just this moment, the waiter came by with two menu books.

“Ma’am, we have a deal for the new customers,” he smiled, and Riza noticed that his collar was unbuttoned. Gosh. She needed to control herself. “One bottle of wine and a side dish of your choice.”

If he was interested, he didn’t show anything while they were having dinner. He was perfectly professional even if his gaze stayed the same – direct and sincere. His collar remained unbuttoned too, and Riza thought for a second that she may ask for his number herself. There wasn’t anything too bad about it, right?

But just when they were leaving, he appeared again, with a somewhat awkward smile on his face.

“Ma’am, forgive me for my question, but your friend there said that you’re in the army,” he said tentatively.

“I am,” she said, not knowing where this was going.

“Ma’am, could I ask you for an interview? It’s-for-my-doctoral-thesis-about-the-history-of-the-ideas-of-morality-in-the-Amestrian-military…” he said very fast like he learned this one line by heart.

“What?”

“It’s for my doctoral thesis… You can refuse any moment, and you don’t have to participate, and it’s all anonymous of course,” he was babbling. “And you can skip any questions you don’t like or you can even retreat your interview after it’s done. I’m sorry if it’s inappropriate to ask you this way… I probably should have written a letter…” he blushed and it looked like he was going to run somewhere to hide the very moment. 

“I agree…” she looked at him questioningly.

“Uhm…” he looked around, trying to see what she was asking about.

She sighed and then took a sheet of paper out of her bag. She wrote her home number, the hours when she could answer, and her name.

“I’m Riza,” she said, giving the sheet of paper to him. He was too hesitant for her liking, but she was in the mood to try. And his doctoral thesis actually sounded interesting.

He smiled happily, looking less hesitant now.

“I’m Mark. Mark Smith, studying at the social sciences department at the Eastern University. I’ll call you. Thank you, really. This means a lot to me.”

He promised to call her the very next day, and Riza could feel the irritation inside her receding. At least until she thought that Roy never expressed any discontent at her dating anyone while they had these one-off meetings. He probably thought that it was normal practice to date two people at the time. She personally never slept with him when she had boyfriends, only between boyfriends… But maybe she should just ditch him altogether? There wasn’t anything healthy in their relationship, and he was more of a crutch she resorted to when she didn’t have a boyfriend, right? Deep down, Riza knew that it wasn’t in her power to stop whatever they had with Roy Mustang. She just liked him too much, however pathetic it sounded, so even if she dates this Mark, she probably ends up sleeping with Roy Mustang again somewhere in the indefinite future, somewhen after he’ll have another 3 dates in the evening and will dutifully show up at their safe house.

“You don’t really look happy,” Rebecca asked. “Is everything okay?”

Riza nodded.

“Just forgot to ask them to change the engine oil,” she said with a deep sigh, knowing full well that this excuse wouldn’t work on Rebecca. She knew Riza too well, after all.

-/

She was at their safe house at 10, a full hour before Roy was due to appear.

She decided not to focus on the fact that he was somewhere else, with _someone_ else, and started cleaning her guns instead. She already fully disassembled her machine gun and put it back, clean and ready for the next operation, when the clock struck 11. Roy wasn’t anywhere in sight.

She took a deep breath and moved to her sniper rifle. Her scope was impeccably clean, but she decided to clean it anyway rather than imagining why Roy was late. He probably had a very important date now, if he was sleeping with this person all the nights now… Was it about the next promotion? Money?

She forced these thoughts away and focused on calibrating the scope back to her rifle. Just half of a degree mistake would make her aim inaccurate. She liked this task. It was demanding enough for her not to think about anything else, yet this task wasn’t too complicated.

When the clock struck 12, she decided to disassemble her sniper rifle again, just to have something to do.

At 1, she started worrying. He wasn’t ever late. What if he got into trouble while she was sitting there, feeling all jealous even if she didn’t have any right to be jealous? She didn’t pay any attention to the identity of his date for today – she forced herself not to, as it got too much to her liking to know exactly with whom he was tonight. But if he was in trouble, then she’d fail as his adjutant because of her feelings towards him… Because she liked him too much to even learn where he was, and a good bodyguard at least had to know where the person they swore to protect was.

At 1:30 she finally decided that it was time to start a rescue operation. She had a lot of explaining to do at the office – at least about the part where she found out that he wasn’t where he was supposed to be in the middle of the night – but she didn’t care. She _needed_ to know that he was safe to get any sleep today. Just when she was putting her jacket on, she heard a loud crash outside.

She ran out as fast as she could.

His car was here, neatly crushed into the only lamppost in the area.

Oh no.

She ran in the direction of his car, and her heart beat so fast that she missed the moment when he got out of the car. He used the lamppost to stand steady, and there was a bleeding gash on his forehead.

When she came closer, she could feel the foul smell of cheap whiskey emanating from him. This time, her worry and jealousy all came back.

He was drinking in some shitty bars with some shitty dates, and he made her wait so long. She was ending it. Now. Well, at least after she’ll take care of his wound. Their goal stayed the same, and her duty included taking care of him, however unlikeable he was most of the times.

“Follow me,” she said coldly, not even looking at him.

He followed diligently, his steps unsteady and the foul smell following him.

Was there even a point in protecting him when he made it so easy to kill him? When he was drunk in the pauses between courting someone and finding someone new to court?

He struggled with the steps of their safe house, and it was the moment when her patience finally wore off. She hastily grabbed his arm and jerked it up for him to follow faster. He scowled and pulled back from her a little bit too forceful.

“What?” she asked without any remorse towards him.

“Just don’t,” he said and went inside the house.

He went directly to the kitchen cupboard, opened it, took a bottle from there and started gulping right from the bottle.

Oh, she didn’t know he put some whiskey in there. This house was technically an emergency retreat in case they’ll have to hide. They had a house like this somewhere in Central too. All these old houses in the outskirts got so cheap during the last economic crisis, just after Ishval. That’s when his Aunt bought them, probably… And these houses were supposed to have all the items they’d need in an emergency. There were new toothbrushes in the closet. Can food in the kitchen. Money in the safe. Fake documents. And apparently, a whole cupboard of whiskey.

Nice.

After he gulped at least half of the bottle with impressive speed, he leaned against the kitchen cabinet and looked directly at her.

“Sorry for being late today,” he said, and his voice had just a little bit of stuttering in it. “You can send complaints to my pimp which is also me. So convenient, isn’t it?” and he laughed at it like it was the best joke on earth.

Then, he started drinking again, right from the bottle.

She wasn’t interested in his drunken speech. She wanted to leave right there and now – she felt akin to all these wives who waited for their husbands all night just to see them drunk and uncaring – but she decided that she’ll leave after she dresses the wound on his head. And checks if he’s got a concussion. Probably, she won’t leave soon.

She sighed and followed to the corridor where they had their box with the medical supplies.

“No really,” he laughed again, sounding even _drunker_ now. “At least I performed well on this date tonight. He thinks I’m fully capable of heading this diplomatic mission slash the mission to find assassinators in Aerugo,” she heard another loud sound – he probably kicked something in front of him. “Maybe he thinks I can sleep with all of them too, right? He gave me a good recommendation and put ‘forms extremely good relationships with upper-ups’ in there. How cool is that, huh?”

She returned with the medical box in her hands.

His awry smirk stuck on his face, looking unnatural and a bit insane. She dipped a cotton ball in the rubbing alcohol and then gently applied it to his gush, but he jerked away instantaneously, hitting the kitchen cupboard in the process.

She raised her eyebrow.

“Sorry,” he said quietly while trying to move away from her. He was in the corner already, so there wasn’t anywhere to move to. “So sorry, Riza,” his voice lost its stuttering. “I’m so sorry. You deserve so much more. You shouldn’t put up with me. I’m so sorry for always agreeing, I don’t deserve to even touch you.”

At first, Riza didn’t understand the meaning behind it. She was carried away with the sincerity in his tone, with the way he looked at her. Like these religious people looked at their icons. Obsessively.

“I’m sorry I got drunk,” he continued. “I was pursuing him for months now. And I was looking forward to it because he is handsome and he seemed gentle. And usually, it’s so enjoyable with guys…” he stopped abruptly and looked at her with wide eyes as if he wasn’t expecting her to be here.

“Sorry, I got too drunk,” he repeated, clearly losing the thread of his thoughts. “We should better go to sleep. I’ll take the couch.”

He moved past her, leaning against the wall as closely as possible.

It was then when she saw it beneath his unbuttoned collar.

There were small round bruises on his neck.

Like traces of fingertips.

She gasped stunned, realization dawning at her. And then all she could feel was fury. Blinding her, encompassing her as a whole. If she could leave him here, she’d go and kill whoever did this.

There was another loud crash then – she ran into the living room to find out that he stumbled upon a chair and now was sitting on the floor, hugging his knees defensively, looking around lost. Now, the alcohol hit into his head to such extent that he just didn’t know what exactly hit him.

“Sir, please, let me dress your wound,” she said, talking to him like a child.

Now, he didn’t refuse. He looked defeated and scared and in no way capable of refusing. She started gently rubbing the blood off his face.

There was blood on his neck too. Next to the bruises. She could see that there was a much bigger bruise somewhere underneath the shirt. It looked a few days old.

Fury encompassed her once again. This person didn’t have any right. To even offer anything in exchange for sex. And hitting him? This was beyond having any right. This was so wrong on so many levels, that her blood boiled at only the thought of it.

She started disinfecting his wound, and that’s when his gaze became more conscious. He jerked away the same second, looking terribly afraid of her fingers. Now, she understood these reactions perfectly. And she didn’t know what to do. She was perfectly inadequate to handle situations like these. If it was a battlefield, if she could go out and have a direct confrontation with someone, she’d do it in a second.

She just wasn’t shaped to be gentle with someone. To help when it required something beyond sheer power or clever manipulations.

So she put her hand down, afraid to startle him again.

He lied down on the floor next to her, on the left from where she was sitting. It looked like his head felt too heavy for him.

“You’re a saint. You know that, right?” his voice was muffled because he was speaking in the direction of the floor rather than looking at her. “You’re so beautiful and forgiving, and you somehow stay with me… After everything that I’ve done after I tainted the secret that you gave me. How do you do it?” this time, he turned over and looked at her from the floor. “Why do you agree to meet me like this? Why would you even agree to touch me?” he asked finally. She could see the genuine astonishment in his gaze, like the very fact of her being there seemed impossible to him.

“You know that I request these meetings, right?”

He shook his head and smiled.

“You just know probably. How it makes me feel… You always ask for these meetings when I feel terrible. When I can’t sleep. Can’t think. Can only survive. And then you come by and I feel happy. If only I deserved you. I’d ask you to marry me right away,” he smiled dreamingly. “We’d have so many children – you wouldn’t even have to be pregnant because I’m all for adoption if you want – and then I’ll go to Maes and show all the photos of every single one of them. I’ll buy a printer and will churn out photos and send them to him every single day in separate envelopes. He’ll hate us, you know? And we’ll have birthday parties and cakes, and I’ll teach them my ‘Bloody Mary’ recipe – when they’re older, of course… And then we’ll have grandchildren, and I’ll give them sweets and you’ll be the coolest grandma out there. They’ll be scared of you but then they’ll also love you…”

He smiled widely, and his expression was so irresistibly happy that she smiled too, looking at him. He was so beautiful and messy and happy… Why, why wouldn’t any of this be true? She couldn’t imagine herself with a husband, at home with countless children (and especially as a grandma – ugh), but when he told about it like this, she felt like it was a dreamland.

Then, she accidentally saw his neck again.

Five fingertips.

He followed her gaze and started hastily buttoning his shirt. His smile disappeared the same moment, and his bleak expression returned. His fingers couldn’t grasp the buttons, he was too drunk for it.

“I’m sorry,” he told again. “I shouldn’t have come there looking like this. Or maybe I should have worn a scarf…”

“A scarf?” she shouted because she only now understood that he was apologizing for the marks on his neck rather than for being drunk or late. She saw red again, the wish to urgently crush the neck of whoever did this returning to her. “Are you just brushing off all of this?”

“What, should I have killed him?” he smirked. “Oh, newspapers would love it. Flame Alchemist burned a general in his bed. And it wasn’t like this all the time anyway. At least not the first two dates. And then he realized what I was after and got angry, I guess… Though not that I concealed my intentions. I thought it was obvious,” he added with a sigh. “I’m sorry,” he added again like he committed a crime.

“You’re not to blame,” she said firmly. “Is there anything that requires urgent medical attention?”

“I am…” he started again.

“You’re not. I don’t want to hear any of that, okay?” she continued only after he nodded. “Anything that requires medical attention?”

He shook his head and this movement alone made him sick. He sat up with apparent difficulty and then ran in the direction of the bathroom.

Then, there were sounds of retching and water running.

He appeared only half an hour later. His steps were a bit more steady, and his hair was wet. He bandaged his gush on the head himself, albeit poorly, with only one layer of bandages – he probably wanted it to _look_ bandaged rather than to actually take care of it. His shirt was fully buttoned.

“We should sleep. Sorry that we can’t have anything tonight,” he said, unsuccessfully trying to find the couch in the darkness. He was deliberately not looking at her and his tone was quiet like he was ashamed.

Riza wanted to leave him as he was – gosh, she could see that he urgently needed the time alone, but then she decided not to. There were important matters to discuss.

“Are you still dating him?”

He finally found the couch – it was in the middle of the room, and him not finding it was probably related to the fact that he avoided her gaze. 

“He’ll be transferred to the West city in a month anyway.”

“So you are,” she said. “Why are you doing this to yourself?”

He shifted uncomfortably and hugged himself just a bit. The room was cold, but Riza could feel that this gesture wasn’t because of the cold.

“Usually it’s fun. And I’ve never dated anyone whom I couldn’t stand… This doesn’t happen so often anyway. And it wasn’t so bad… I’m sorry you saw it.”

Riza sighed. He was still sorry, he still didn’t listen to her.

She found out a long time ago how _much_ he was ready to sacrifice for their goal. After one assignment when he was injured after he fought some foes all by himself and without any backup, he was as apologetic and sorry. But he also felt that it was justified if he got closer to their goal. Whatever she or Maes did, he refused to change his behaviour. He thought that the end justified the means if, at the end, he’ll be able to make a difference.

She sat at the couch next to him. There was enough space with him defensively hugging himself.

“What if…” she took a large breath because she wasn’t used to asking questions like these. “We’ll date? Be exclusive?”

He sat up a little bit and squinted, looking at her in the darkness.

“I don’t really understand why you do this. But I feel better now. Just like I said, you’re a saint,” he paused and said more cheerfully. “Let’s go to sleep?”

She shook her head, fury returning to her again.

“Why can’t you just take it seriously? Gosh, I can’t believe that all these years, you brushed all my advances off as a simple concern for you? How can anyone be so stupid?!”

He dragged himself a little bit further to the corner of the couch, farther from her. He was startled by her outburst.

“But you’re concerned for me. And you don’t want me to date him. Why would I believe otherwise?”

“Because I love you!” she shouted and her tone was outright accusing. “I gave my number to this waiter today simply because he looked just a little bit like you… I date other people but then I cannot anymore because they all feel like a substitute. I was cleaning my guns today and imagining how I’ll shoot all your other dates, and now, are you simply asking why you’d believe otherwise? Are you absolutely blind? Out of your mind?”

“You have to be out of your mind to feel this way about me,” he laughed. “Even if you do… Seriously, do you think we can just be happy and date each other, and have 7 children, and their birthday parties… After all, that’s happened? With all these people who would love to see me dead? With our goal?” he emphasized the last word obsessively. The goal was all that mattered to him, after all.

“You weren’t this way before Ishval,” she said and also hugged her legs. “You wouldn’t laugh at someone confessing their love to you, would you? You were so nice and gentle with Boris back then that I thought that you two were perfect for each other… And I was so jealous. Now you see people only through the lens of your goal. Through the lens of how much they’ll help you in your goal.”

“I don’t!” he answered right away, emotionally. “I just don’t want you to waste your time, really. Do you think that I don’t care for any of my subordinates? Do you think I’d just switch them with someone who’d help me more?”

“And would you ask them to sleep with this general you’ve been dating? Just to see your goal through?”

“No! Of course not. Don’t be ridiculous,” he said firmly. Then, Roy looked at her understandingly. “I see where you’re leading but this is different, okay?”

“How? Do you want to continue dating all these monsters for the rest of your life? Don't you have any respect for yourself? Don't you want to try to date someone who actually cares about you?”

“Of course, I do. But…”

There was a pause after that and he looked too tired to explain his decisions to her. Or maybe he couldn’t come up with a new argument for why they couldn’t date each other. 

“I’ll personally assassinate this general if you’d ever date him again. And if you somehow can't leave this relationship, we'll come up with a plan,” she said after the pause lasted so long that it looked like he was about to fall asleep. “And I will assasinate anyone who behaves this way with you... Please, just find someone you'd be happy with. I would survive with my jealousy but I absolutely can't imagine living and knowing that someone treats you this way."

He nodded and didn’t say anything else.

She spent the night in the bedroom, alone.

-/

She woke up to the smell of something edible. Really, it didn’t smell any better than that.

Roy was in the kitchen, serving noodles with some sauce from a canned jar. He looked worn-out.

“Sorry, we only have noodles and canned food there,” he said while checking the content of the cupboards. “I’ll bring salt and pepper next time. Maybe flour too.”

Riza noticed that he wore a black turtleneck. The bandages on his head barely held on him, but the wound looked better than yesterday. At least, it wasn’t infected.

They started eating without saying anything else. The noodles tasted exactly like she expected them to taste. Unsalted and with tomato paste poured over them.

“The waiter you were talking about… Do you think you’d be good together?” he asked after having finished his noodles. His tone was akin to all the conversations about the weather and all the other small talk he was so good at.

“Who knows. I’ve never had any relationship for longer than 2 months. So speaking from the experience, not really.”

“And you think it’d be better if _we_ date each other? Like in some fairy tales where the princess waits for her prince and then they live happily ever after?” he smiled cheerfully like he was telling a joke.

“Well, it doesn’t have to be perfect, Roy,” they never called each other ‘Sir’ and ‘Lieutenant’ when they were discussing personal matters. Otherwise, it felt weird. “We can try and if it doesn’t work out, we’ll move on. Of course, you won’t move on to this general of yours because I was serious about killing him if he ever approaches you again.”

“Not like he approached me,” Roy smiled widely. And then he looked at her. “Are you… fine with how much I… dated around before? And everything else? Are you sure you’re not mistaking some teenage dreams for a deeper feeling?”

“I’m not…” she sighed. “Really, Roy. I’m an adult woman who was in the same war you participated in – if you forgot about that. And I know exactly what I’m feeling towards you. Whatever happened in the last years, these feelings remain constant. They’re a part of me. So yes, I would like to at least try.”

“And are you going to feel happier if we date each other?”

“Yes. Absolutely yes. Of course, only if you feel happy in this relationship too.”

He took a deep breath, looking at some undefined spot somewhere on the floor.

“I’ll bring eggs and bacon too, then,” he said and smiled. This was the first non-sarcastic smile she saw on his face in a while.

“What?”

“We’ll be more often there if we’re dating,” his expression became overwhelmed like he couldn’t believe in what was happening. “And a chess set. And the carpet,” his smile became wider.

When she imagined this scene in her mind’s eye before, she thought it’d be different. For a starter, he wasn’t so overwhelmingly happy in her imagination. He just smirked smugly. Then, they kissed and had a thousand more kisses. They touched each other. There wasn’t any bacon or eggs in the picture for sure. But what actually happened was so much better and sincere that she also smiled widely, feeling happiness filling her.

He sat on the floor next to her, leaning against the table leg. She wanted to move to the floor too, but he started speaking before she could.

“This house is such a happy place for me. Sometimes I come there just to remember all the moments we had. Hence, the whiskey,” he gestured in the direction of the cupboard. And somehow, you made it a thousand times better. Thank you.”

They spent the rest of the day talking and discussing all the other things they wanted to bring here. Right on the kitchen floor, lying next to each other, only leaving the kitchen to tell the team that they were having a day off. Roy didn’t want this place to have more guns than necessary (which was in his opinion 1 small handgun and no more than 5 bullets) and was all up for building a fireplace on the first floor. Riza wanted a small shooting range in the garden and all the haystacks removed somewhere far away. Potentially even burned. They had completely different opinions on every point and every single design decision – even if Roy always agreed with her opinion, she felt that he’d prefer different – but talking to him was so comfortable for her. The way he understood what she wanted to say even before she said anything, the way she knew what he thought even if his words were the opposite. Telling each other about their feelings created this strange, almost supernatural understanding between them, something so precious and beautiful that Riza wanted to frame this day, put it somewhere safe and live it over again and again.

They slept next to each other this night. Not hugging, not even touching. Riza woke up in the middle of the night because she was scared that she could have startled him - she wanted to touch him so much, but she also didn't know how he'd react; he still felt too ashamed to speak about it. She looked at his still pose for a few minutes, and, seeing how she couldn't fall asleep, she went to another room. On the floor of the living room, there were bandages, shirts with bloody stains, spilt disinfectants, and another set of empty whiskey bottles. She collected all of it from the floor, feeling the urge to crush the neck of that general. She almost decided to go for it - but then she stopped. Roy needed help right now, not the revenge. She wasn't fit to help him, with all those feelings - unresolved jealousy and that strange obsessiveness she felt for him - but there wasn't anyone else he was willing to trust right now. She forced herself to calm down and went back to the sleeping room. She carefully lied down on the bed, as far away from him as she could. Next day, she threw away all the whiskey bottles from the cupboard.

**Author's Note:**

> To be honest, I was thinking about deleting this story but then I ended up editing the ending a few times after the publication. Initially, I was going for an unreliable narrator type of a story where the protagonist driven be jealousy doesn't really understand that the best response to someone being abused is not "I love you let's be exclusive please" and that the response to that being "I'm guilty that I was abused so yes let's date I'm happy and so honest right now" is a terrible resolution of the situation. I wanted to write this because being a woman, I was a bit tired of all the "empowering" flawless images of the women on TV, and I wanted to have a flawed female protagonist who's flawed not because she's a bad person but because of the situation she's in and her emotional state. But then I realized that there're two issues with that story: first, apparently, there's a stereotype of women being depicted as jealous and writing another story like that is perpetuating it. And second, the ending came out as it being a type of "the victim of abuse healed because of love" type of story even though I was absolutely not going for that. I don't really know what to do with the first issue - I guess I just have to write better stories next time. To deal with the second issue, I changed the ending to emphasize that no one was healed and Riza is becoming more self-aware. So yeah, sorry if someone read this and it came out as inappropriate to you the first time.


End file.
